It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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