If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize