First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
