Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
