Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
