I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
