Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
