I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
