i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
