Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
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