just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
