oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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