You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
