my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
