I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
