help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
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There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
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ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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