I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
