She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
