Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
