$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
