FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
