How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
