Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
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Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
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Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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