i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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