Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
