you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
