haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
cat food counts as protein by the way
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
