Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
