hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
