You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
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KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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