Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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