I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
