I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
