...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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