The maid of honor just puked.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
