How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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