Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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