Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
