I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
