I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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