Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
