I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
