It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
