I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
