And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
