Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
