we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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