I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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