his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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