whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize