we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Randomize
