You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
