Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I faked an abortion last night.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My vagina just clenched in fear
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
