I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
