I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
