Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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