Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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